My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
