My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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