is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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