I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
