when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
