Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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