God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
