I am full of burrito and curiosity
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
