I didn't shave. On purpose
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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