the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
