is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
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Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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