Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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