I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
