This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
