We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
