Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
