oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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