the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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