I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
