Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
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I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
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He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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