i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
