You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
