you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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