Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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