meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
