You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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