His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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