I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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