what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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