I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
