I think my vagina is haunted
im six kinds of drunk right now
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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