Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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