Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
