Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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