how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
