i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
