OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
