Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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