Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
