after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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