When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
