I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
