you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
