one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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