I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
