WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i already hear my dad disowning me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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