Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
