OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
