Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
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You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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