the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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