i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
