My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
