She is in my trunk
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pants are for mortals
I want a musical about memes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
