3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
