you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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