my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
