The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
