By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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