I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
