I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
