The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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