I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
