I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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