If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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